Thought for a day

Posted in Uncategorized on December 13, 2010 by lexiandjamie

Thoughts for a Day

1. Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.

2. There’s always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don’t hurt.

3. When I’m feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor’s dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

4. If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

5. Don’t assume malice for what stupidity can explain.

6. A penny saved is a government oversight.

7. The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

8. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.

9. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

10. He who hesitates is probably right.

11. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven’t met everybody.

12. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

13. The sole purpose of a child’s middle name is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble.

14. Did you ever notice: When you put the two words “The” and “IRS” together it spells “THEIRS”?

http://www.basicjokes.com/djoke.php?id=306

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Crazy Laws around the world

Posted in Uncategorized on December 13, 2010 by lexiandjamie

Crazy Laws – Give Us More Funny Thoughts to Ponder

Will and Guy have researched some absolutely crazy laws which have never been repealed and therefore probably still apply in their respective countries:

  • It is illegal to die in the Houses of Parliament
  • It is an act of treason to place a postage stamp bearing the British king or queen’s image upside-down
  • It is illegal for a woman to be topless in Liverpool except as a clerk in a tropical fish store
  • Eating mince pies on Christmas Day is banned in Britain
  • The head of any dead whale found on the British coast automatically becomes the property of the King, and the tail of the Queen 
  • If someone knocks on your door in Scotland and needs the use of your toilet, you are required to let them enter
  • In the UK a pregnant woman can legally relieve herself anywhere she wants, including in a policeman’s helmet
  • It is illegal not to tell the tax man anything you do not want him to know, but legal not to tell him information you do not mind him knowing
  • It is illegal to enter the Houses of Parliament wearing a suit of armour
  • In Trinity College students can demand a glass of wine at any time during an exam, provided they are wearing their sword
  • It is legal to murder a Scotsman within the ancient city walls of York, but only if he is carrying a bow and arrow
  • In Ohio, it is against state law to get a fish drunk
  • In England, all men over the age of 14 must carry out two hours of longbow practice a day
  • In England it is illegal to be drunk on Licensed Premises [pubs, clubs and bars, restaurants]
  • In London, it is illegal to flag down a taxi if you have the plague
  • It is illegal for a cab in the City of London to carry rabid dogs or corpses
  • In Florida, unmarried women who parachute on Sundays can be jailed
  • In Scotland it is illegal to be a drunk in possession of a cow
  • In France, it is forbidden to call a pig Napoleon
  • Also in France it is illegal to kiss on railways in France
  • Royal Navy ships that enter the Port of London must provide a barrel of rum to the Constable of the Tower of London
  • In San Salvador, drunk drivers can be punished by death before a firing squad
  • In Vermont, women must obtain written permission from their husbands to wear false teeth
  • In Massachusetts Christmas was outlawed in 1659
  • In New Hampshire it is against the law to tap your feet, nod your head or in any way keep time to the music in a tavern, restaurant or cafe
  • In Oklahoma criminals can be fined, arrested or jailed for making faces at a dog (Barking Mad)
  • In Germany it is illegal to wear a mask
  • It is illegal for a student to walk through Trinity College, Dublin, Ireland, without a sword
  • In Antwerp, Belgium, it is illegal to wear a red hat and walk down the main street
  • In Israel picking your nose on Saturday is forbidden
  • In Singapore failure to flush a public toilet after use may result in a very large fine
  • In Australia it is illegal to dress up as batman

http://www.guy-sports.com/months/jokes_thoughts.htm

Guy’s Tip

Posted in Uncategorized on December 13, 2010 by lexiandjamie

Guy’s Tip:

Did you know that if ask anyone from a Professor to a politician ‘Why’, three times in a row, you can reduce them to a gibbering idiot.  Incidentally, the three ‘Why’ trick is one that I learnt from watching my 7 year old nephew question his mother.

http://www.guy-sports.com/months/jokes_thoughts.htm

Funny thoughts :)

Posted in Uncategorized on December 13, 2010 by lexiandjamie

If the sky is the limit, then what is space, over the limit?
Are children who act in rated ‘R’ movies allowed to see them?
Can you make a candle out of your earwax?
When French people swear do they say pardon my English?
Aren’t the ‘good things that come to those who wait’ just the leftovers from the people that got there first?
If the swat team breaks down your door do they have to replace it later?
Can a fire truck park in the fire lane?
Can it be cloudy and foggy at the same time?
“Cute as a button” Is that supposed to be a compliment? Since when are buttons cute?
Can you breathe out of your nose and mouth at the same time?
Are marbles made of marble?
Why does the last piece of ice always stick to the bottom of the cup?
If you pay for a vacation and your plane crashes on the way there, do you get you money back? (Granted you lived)
Why did Yankee Doodle name the feather in his hat Macaroni?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, “I think I’ll squeeze these dangly things here and drink what comes out”?
Who was the first person to say, “See that chicken over there … I’m gonna eat the first thing that comes out if its butt”?
Isn’t Disney World just a people trap operated by a mouse?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup?
Can you get cornered in a round room?
Why do we wash behind our ears? Who really looks there?
Why don’t the hairs on your arms get split ends?
If an atheist has to go to court, do they make him swear on the Bible?
Why is it illegal to park in a handicapped parking space but its ok to use a handicapped toilet?
In that song, she’ll be coming around the mountain, who is she?
How come we say ‘It’s colder than hell outside’ when isn’t it realistically always colder than hell since hell is supposed to be fire and brimstone?
Why is it that if something says, “do not eat” on the packaging it becomes extra tempting to eat?
Why are people so scared of mice, yet we all love Mickey Mouse?
Wouldn’t it be smart to make the sticky stuff on envelopes taste like chocolate?
Why are the commercials for cable companies on cable but not on regular television? Don’t they want the people without cable to buy the cable?
“Have you ever noticed that if you rearranged the letters in mother in law, they come out to Woman Hitler?”
Isn’t it funny how the word ‘politics’ is made up of the words ‘poli’ meaning ‘many’ in Latin, and ‘tics’ as in ‘bloodsucking creatures’?
Why is it that when things get wet they get darker, even though water is clear??
Why is it that when you get out of a swimming pool, your urine is hotter when you use the restroom?
Can mute people burp?

When people say, “I’m so tired it’s not even funny” or “my head hurts so much it’s not even funny”, why would it even be funny in the first place?
Do stairs go up or down?
Why is there a top line on lined paper if we never use it?
Do coffins have lifetime guarantees?
Why do the numbers on phones go down while the numbers on calculators go up?
If Hooters were to become a door-to-door service would they have to change
their name to Knockers?

http://www.goodquotes.com/funnythoughts.htm

 

Thought of the day

Posted in Uncategorized on December 9, 2010 by lexiandjamie

Thought for Today:

What do men and beer bottles have in common?
They are both empty from the neck up.

 

Arguments:
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

Relationship Differences :)

Posted in Uncategorized on December 9, 2010 by lexiandjamie

♣Jamie♣

1) Bathrooms:

A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from Tesco.

The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 337. [A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.]

2) Eating out:

When the bill arrives, Russell, John and Trevor will each throw in £20, even though it’s only for £32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

3) Nicknames:

If Claire, Louise and Hannah go out for lunch, they will call each other Claire, Louise and Hannah.

If Russell, John and Trevor go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Jackson, Parrot-face and TC [Top Cat – from the 1970’s television cartoon series].

4) Cats:

Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren’t looking, men kick cats.

5) Future:

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

6) Success:

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

7) Marriage:

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, but she does.

http://www.guy-sports.com/months/jokes_gender_differences.htm#7_Funny_Gender_Differences_in_Relationships

Difference between a boys brain and a girls brain

Posted in Uncategorized on December 9, 2010 by lexiandjamie

♥Jamie Payne♥

This is the girls brain >:)

Female Brain - Funny bits

Male Brain - Funny bits

And This is the boys brain :]

Makes sence to me lol.

This is for when a guy says lets have a drink

Funny Differences between men and women's brains

You see the girl has to find the right pants and the right shirt and shoes and has many drinks to choose from. The guy on the other hand….well he just goes to the beer lol.

Lets have a drink….Then go to bed

Funny Differences between men and women's brains

COMPLICATED! Guys just try to take the simple way out and girls on the other hand…we like to..well.. we look more into the future 🙂 The guy in this one is just looking to get lucky, the girl thinks that if the guy wants to sleep with her then they will continue to see eachother and maybe one day get married. Do you see the difference yet?

you can read about his at: http://www.guy-sports.com/humor/pictures/picture_male_female_brain.htm